coraa | Reading

In our final few days we left Oregon, though stayed the night just outside its border in Mount Shasta. The mountain is clearly seen looming over the city but we could see it for many miles as we headed south and finally passed into California.

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minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

...and the person I reported it to didn’t seem too concerned Content advisory: ableism, and also sexual harassment. ( Read more... )

magid posting in

agonyaunt

gift link (with three other questions answered)

My husband and I moved into an apartment complex recently. We befriended some of our new neighbors while sitting around the swimming pool. We have discussed politics with some of them, having been given hints that we are all on the same page. But one couple — whom we like a lot — has provided no information about their politics. We have no idea where they stand! The state of the country is very important to us, and we are willing to socialize only with people who support our beliefs. Should we continue to see this couple whose politics are a mystery, or should we tell them where we stand and see how they react?

NEW NEIGHBOR

( answer )

minoanmiss posting in

agonyaunt

...After a Family Death. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: angry

conuly posting in

agonyaunt

My husband is the middle of five siblings. The three oldest were high achievers who earned advanced degrees and are now comfortably retired, living far from their hometown. The fourth, a brother, has struggled all his life. After four years in the Army, he drifted between unemployment and low-paying jobs, never able to support himself. His parents covered his expenses or let him live with them, even paying for his car while he worked as a pizza-delivery driver. He also developed substance-abuse problems.

After my husband’s father died, the brother stayed in the family home, supposedly caring for their mother but, in fact, exploiting her. He drained her accounts to feed his habit and neglected her care, and after her death he was convicted of elder abuse — something his out-of-town siblings hadn’t realized was happening. Before she died, their mother begged them not to let him be homeless.

Because the brother couldn’t maintain the house, the siblings sold it and split the proceeds. With his share, they bought him a mobile home and placed funds in a protected account, which covered rent and utilities for nearly 10 years until the money ran out. They eventually transferred the bills into his name and explained how to manage them.

He rarely communicates with the family, except when he’s in trouble. Once on his own, chaos followed. He claimed that his pizza-delivery job was enough to live on, but he missed rent, faced eviction and squandered money on predatory car loans and endless repairs. Last year, his siblings discovered that his car had been repossessed and his water had been shut off for six months. His trailer was collapsing from a leaking roof, and garbage was piled everywhere. Yet he had never asked for help. They stepped in, restored utilities, reclaimed his car, cleaned his trailer and signed him up for Social Security. But he quickly burned through a lump-sum back-pay benefit (he said his account was hacked, though he was more likely scammed). Soon after, he fell behind again, and his Social Security is now being garnished by the I.R.S.

The mobile-home park wants him out for unpaid rent and unsafe conditions. He’s clearly mentally ill, but perhaps not impaired enough for a sibling to secure guardianship. My husband and his siblings want to honor their mother’s plea to keep him housed, but contributing to his rent payments and repairing his trailer isn’t financially sustainable for them, and none of them want to take him in because he’s horrible to live with. Social services might help, but he resists cooperation and can’t manage on his own.

So they wonder: At what point do they stop trying? Are they obliged to sustain someone who refuses to sustain himself? Do they owe him the effort of seeking guardianship, or is that more than can reasonably be asked? — Name Withheld

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Annie: I met my husband three years ago, about eight months after he lost his first wife of 20 years. Their marriage was often toxic, and she was very abusive toward him. After she passed, he was ready to move on.

Right away, I knew something wasn't right with my husband. In his mid-50s, he was having short-term memory issues, falling frequently and struggling with his mental health. After seeing his health care provider and enrolling in the Veterans Affairs health care system, we discovered he had suffered multiple traumatic brain injuries during his time in the Army. That diagnosis led to him becoming a 100% service-connected disabled veteran and allowed him to receive the care he needed for a better quality of life.

His family, however, waged a war against me for helping him, accusing me of manipulating and "brainwashing" him. My husband has distanced himself from them, and we're no longer on speaking terms. My husband has a lot of anger toward them as he suffered for decades without their help or support.

His parents, who live in another state, are elderly and in poor health. I fear that if he doesn't reconcile with them before they pass, he will resent me. I love my husband with all my heart, and this has been a hard road. I just want the very best for him, unconditionally. Any advice? -- Wife on the Defensive

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Violet," lives about two hours away. She and her mother (my wife) do not get along. Violet was always a rebellious, independent wild child, as well as the source of a lot of family problems. Violet and I also were estranged until we recently reconciled.

Yesterday, she sent me an email inviting me to lunch to celebrate my birthday. When I told my wife about the invitation, she responded, "Do what you want" in a tone and with a facial expression which said: "Go ahead, but if you do, you'll be sorry."

I have tried to reconcile these two women I love without success. My wife tells me she loves Violet but doesn't like her, although she would like to have a better relationship with her. Violet tells me she blames her mother for her PTSD (her unofficial diagnosis) and wants nothing to do with her.

So do I go to lunch with my daughter and incur the wrath of my wife for what she would consider a betrayal, or do I decline the invitation from my daughter and risk alienating her again? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN NEW JERSEY

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conuly posting in

agonyaunt

Dear Eric: My beloved husband of more than 40 years has become something of an embarrassment. He has always been careful with his appearance (almost in the vain category). About six years ago, he had a serious illness with dangerous surgery but made an excellent recovery.

Afterward, his weight loss became a weight gain and now, instead of the athletic physique he has always maintained, he has a large gut. He will wear T-shirts that are too small and when seated, part of his naked middle is exposed for all to see.

I can tolerate this at home, but not when we are around other people. I have tried gentle reminders that these shirts are too small, mentioning how embarrassed I am, but it makes no difference. He also wears ill-fitting pants in his former waist size which exaggerate the problem.

Otherwise, he keeps up his lengthy morning regime of careful grooming as in the past. His doctors have suggested he lose weight, but nothing has changed. Can you offer any advice so we can socialize without me cringing?

– Loving But Mortified

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yourlibrarian posting in

common_nature

Some views of the McKenzie River, which we got a great look at since the road we took followed and crossed over it.

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the owl and the olive tree

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Mount Shasta and Entering San Francisco

Ask a Manager: A a colleague is harassing female coworkers...

[NYTimes Social Q’s] My Husband and I Have No Idea About the Politics of Two New Friends

Ask a Manager: I Didn't Expect My Employee To Take So Much Time Off...

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McKenzie River

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April 2013

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