empathy and feminism

[coraa]

I don't always agree with Bitch, Ph.D., but this post about empathy really resonated with me.

Especially:

A couple nights ago, I had gone over to the house of my dear friends to celebrate my engagement and was coming home late. I was almost home, standing at the corner waiting for the light to change, when a man approached me.

Guy: Excuse me?
Me: Yes? What?
Guy: What's your name again?
Me: I didn't tell you my name.
Guy: Oh, well, hi. What's your name? [holds out hand]
Me: Look, I don't want to tell you my name, and I don't want to talk.
Guy: Why not?
Me: It's late. [looks at phone] It's 12:30 am. I don't want to talk to you.
Guy: But I'm just being friendly. [holds out hand again] What's your name?
Me: Do you have any idea what it's like to be walking around as a woman in this city, late at night? It's scary. It's late and I want to get home and I don't want to talk to you.
Guy: [stares at me]

[stares some more]
[backs away]
[retracts his hand]

Guy: I can respect that.
Me: Thank you. Have a good night. [light changes, I cross the street and go home]

It was really bizarre—I could really see him actually considering, what is it like to be a woman walking around late at night in the city, trying to get home? Answer: it's scary, and it scary enough that you don't want to talk to anyone you don't know, no matter who they are or what they're about.

(I'm sure some of my female friends are going to say: it's not scary for me! I'm perfectly happy making friends with strange men on street corners after midnight! And I am happy for you. I am delighted for you. But that's not a reason to discount the experience of the many, many women for whom this is frightening -- and the many, many women who have experiential reasons to be frightened. I did the calculations: thirty percent of my close female friends have been raped. If you add in people who fought free of a would-be rapist, the number raises to forty-five percent. Their fear is not hysterical -- oh, I hate that word -- it's rational. But that's a post for another day.)

Anyway. It's a good read.

Comments

[porfinn.livejournal.com]

It's dark, there are weird people in the world, and most of us should have been taught not to talk strangers (I really was taught that-- honest!). I don't think I would have been exactly afraid of this dude, but I certainly wouldn't be handing out my name after midnight on dark street corners. And I always have a healthy apprehension of the, possibly, loaded/stupid.

It is always fascinating to watch the gears turn. Neither gender is perfect, but empathy seems to be really lacking in those with the "y" chromosome. "Y?" Because your clueless: M-A-L-E! (but we still like you...sometimes)

[coraa.livejournal.com]

I would be terrified by anyone approaching me after midnight. I'd like to think I'd handle it with as much aplomb as the author, but I'm not sure I would.

[faithhopetricks.livejournal.com]

OMG do none of these dudes ever get that women are taught 'DON'T EVER TALK TO MALE STRANGERS AFTER DARK EVER EVER'? Or at least I was.

I could really see him actually considering, what is it like to be a woman walking around late at night in the city, trying to get home?

And, sadly, I was like 'Wow, at least he listened and thought about it and wasn't pushy after that.' sigh.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, me too. Frankly, I internalized "You do not owe strangers anything; do not talk to them" pretty early -- and had it reinforced when I went to college and discovered that ignoring the homeless men on my walk home left me unmolested, whereas even a "Sorry, no" meant they would follow me for blocks, screaming.

And... yeah. I was surprised the guy backed off, frankly.

[cwendy41.livejournal.com]

I probably would have told him that my name is Maggie or something like that, and that I'm on my way to crash at my boyfriend Fred's house for the night.

I like the "It's late and I want to go home and don't want to talk to you" bit. It probably surprised him a fair amount, and also signals that you are very grumpy and therefore not likely to put up with any crap.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I honestly don't know what I'd do. Lie? Say nothing? Walk away? I have no idea.

I'd like to hope I'd be willing to be blunt, but I'm not sure I would.

[donaithnen.livejournal.com]

Dude, i don't think i would have managed to respond as calmly and as civilly as she apparently did in that situation =P I probably would have just studiously ignored the guy and/or walked away.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

That's actually a gendered thing, too -- many women are socialized to be 'nice' such that ignoring someone, or walking away from them, is extremely difficult. And yet if you don't walk away, say no, ignore them, and something bad happens, it was your fault for encouraging them.

I'd probably ignore them, though. I wouldn't have before I went to school at USC, but what happened when I didn't ignore people on the street there taught me to just walk on.

[ceph.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of the time I answered a friendly question from a guy on a streetcorner, in broad daylight no less, and ended up having him follow and harass me for something like an hour. That cured me of feeling obligated to make friends with people on sidewalks right quick.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I had that happen a few time after I moved to LA. (I'd been socialized with the 'women should be nice and obliging and friendly and sweet and polite' thing quite well, before then.) Once the guy followed me, screaming, down five city blocks until I got on a bus. (Going the wrong way, but since he didn't follow me onto the bus, it was worth it to go Elsewhere and then catch another bus back my direction.)

[zeborah]

Oh hey, when I was in Mongolia I once got into a van full of several large male strangers in order to get away from a single creepy guy who was trying to talk to me about his coin collection and was upset that I didn't happen to be carrying any New Zealand coins with me at the time.

I just felt they were safer; and it turned out I was right.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

Sometimes one's instincts are very, very right!

(Indeed, there have been a few times when someone tried to talk me out of following my instincts -- in an oh-you-don't-know-he's-a-bad-guy or oh-I'm-sure-it-will-be-fine kind of way -- and I have pretty universally regretted it, although fortunately never to the detriment of my personal safety.)

[dancambull.livejournal.com]

I always try to be "nice" in such a situation because I don't want them to get angry because I was being a "bitch," but I wouldn't give my name or anything like that and I would try to keep the conversation to a minimum.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

I don't know what I'd do. I'd be afraid to engage and I'd be afraid to ignore them. It's such a no-win situation.

[zalena.livejournal.com]

Dealing with strangers doesn't seem to be my problem. It's asserting myself with people I know without having them ruin my life afterwards. Sometimes it feels like there is no win.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

I'm not very good at asserting myself in either situation, I'm afraid -- and when dealing with people I do know, being nice and compliant means that I always give in, and pushing back means I'm worried I'll wreck the relationship. Sigh.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

She was lucky.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

Very, very lucky.

Being approached by strangers, especially at night, would frighten the heck out of me -- in large part because, as I mentioned above, I don't know what I would or could do. Neither engaging nor ignoring them would seem safe.