as kind of an addendum to yesterday's post --

[coraa]

The boy and I just got back from going out for pizza. While we were there, a man entered the restaurant -- I'm not sure whether he was homeless, panhandling, mentally unstable, or what, but he made a beeline for us and tried to get our attention to ask us for something. An employee intervened very quickly with a polite but firm "I'll have to ask you not to disturb our customers," very quickly.

I was sitting facing the door, with my back to the wall, at the very back of the restaurant; the boy had his back to the door, facing me. I observed, "I wonder why he came straight to us? He had to walk through the entire restaurant, right past the counter, and he passed tables and tables full of people."

"Hm," the boy said. "I wonder if he thought I was female?" (He has long hair, and not long hair in a guy-ponytail but long, relatively well-groomed, loose wavy hair. And as I said, he was sitting with his back to the door)

I looked around the restaurant again, and sure enough, there were no women there at that moment (the restaurant was only maybe half full) who were by themselves, or with another woman; there were a couple of men alone, and a few women with men. I suspect he saw a table with two women and no men and thought we were the best target, and so passed by every other person in the restaurant to get to us.

That's something that's happened to us a few times. I'm used to getting catcalled/shouted at when alone, and when I'm with my female friends. (In fact, sometimes it seems like a group of women together gets more catcalls than a woman alone; I'm grateful for this, because they frighten me less when I'm in a group, even if there are more of them.) I'm pretty used to hearing them.

But I never heard them when I was with a guy until the boy's hair grew out enough that he was mistake-able for a woman at a distance, or from the back. (From the front, up close, the persistent stubble does give him away. ;) And as soon as that happened, we started to get catcalls. Not often, but more than often enough, thank you.

(Another example: we were walking down the street when a pickup truck full of young men -- I'd say late teens and early twenties -- pulled up to a stop at the same time we were waiting for the light to change. We happened to be holding hands. The men in the truck started to holler at us, whoop, shout, "Oooooh BABY," say "Kiss her! Kiss her for us!" and "YEAH, that's SEXY!" We were absolutely croggled; why on earth would a truck full of men be so interested in watching a couple of very normal-looking people hold hands? It wasn't until they'd driven on that it occurred to us that they'd mistaken the boy for a woman, and therefore that they'd thought we were a same-sex female couple.)

And you know? It hadn't even really occurred to me the difference -- that the hollering, catcalling, shouting, sexual remarks didn't happen to men as much, or to men with women, but instead happened mostly just to women alone or women with women... until I noticed that it started happening to us when the boy started being mistaken for a woman at a distance. And if I didn't realize it, how many guys don't realize that it happens at all?

(And, to show my own lack of perceptiveness and empathy: despite having several gay and bisexual friends, I hadn't realized how much abuse lesbian couples can get on the street until we started being mistaken for one. I should have, but it didn't occur to me, and there's my privilege.)

(And one more thing -- another element that I was privileged enough to not realize until I started reading a wider variety of blogs this year: I am told that African American women get even more catcalling on the street than white women [I don't know about other POC; I think I've heard Hispanic women say the same thing], which furthers my impression that this -- reducing a woman to her sexual characteristics and assuming that they're there for your pleasure -- is mostly about power, and about who 'owns' the public sphere.)

Comments

[eepmirva.livejournal.com]

Hmm... yeah, I remember that problem! :o) I've always been very grateful that even with Matt's hair was long, he could not be mistaken for a girl from behind - as Matt has very broad sholders (sp!) and always has a beard. Because it always meant that if I was with him I got the whole magical guy protection thing, which I have gotten use to!

But I remember being a teenager and starting to get the catcalls - which, in Boston, for about half the year is too funny, cause I would be getting catcalls while wearing a thick winter coat with nothing showing but my hair. I'm fairly sure a shapeless parka wandering around isn't at all attractive - but because my hair was always long, if I forgot to wrap it or hide it in my coat I was still a target...

Isn't being a girl fun??? :o)

[coraa.livejournal.com]

Yeah -- it can't have much to do with perceived attractiveness, because I get catcalled about the same amount (not all that often, but more often than I'd like) regardless of whether I'm looking fantastic, or looking schlubby with unwashed hair and sweats, or all wrapped up for the winter. I think a certain kind of guy, in certain circumstances, sees a woman and sees an easy target and thinks it would be fun to yank her chain -- not much to do with whether he's personally attracted to her.

...yeah, whee, being a girl! ;)

[triath.livejournal.com]

"I'm used to getting catcalled/shouted at when alone, and when I'm with my female friends."

Really? I never get this sort of treatment. I'm going to credit the really strong feminists in Olympia who will get in the face of anyone who says something even slightly degrading.

I really like your thoughts about same-sex couples and minorities being treated like their just for men's amusement. It's so true and worth reflecting on.

What I find interesting is that over time it's become much less accepted for men to act this way, there's now societal pressure to not do it. However, it's becoming more accepted for women to treat men this way. It starts off joking, but it's still not cool. On my cruise ship, they had "hairy chest" contests and butt dancing contests, always for men. This makes me a bit uncomfortable.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

I'm hesitant to agree that it's because there are strong feminists in Olympia -- partly because that shears too close to victim-blaming for my comfort (as in, implying that if the women were better feminists elsewhere it wouldn't happen), and partly because I pretty much never got catcalled in my hometown, where there was a very vocal women-should-not-work-outside-the-home-or-vote contingent (ie, it wasn't exactly a bastion of strong feminists). I think it's more likely to be a size-of-city thing; the increased anonymity of a large city makes it less likely you will ever see the woman (or her friends, boyfriend, father, etc) again, so it's safer.

[triath.livejournal.com]

Good points!!

That said, I've written about getting yelled at for riding a bike ("Get a car!") but not for being a girl.

I'm sure it's because I'm not pretty enough. ;]

[coraa.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I think there's something very different between "get a car!" (or "you ever going to wash that thing!" or "you need a new jacket!" or similar), and "nice tits!" or "yeah baby, shake it!" or "come over here and gimme some!" There's nothing threatening or objectifying in the former -- they're rude and jerkish, sure, but they're something that could be laughed off as a joke much more easily if you find yourself interacting with the person in the future. The latter is much more specific in treating the target like an object for the speaker's pleasure.

It's the power dynamic that makes them different -- and it's the power dynamic that makes anonymity so much more important. It's a lot more risky to try to exert your power over someone who turns out to be your dentist or your best friend's cousin, or, hell, just someone who will recognize you and press harassment charges... and that's the kind of risk that cowards who shout things out of cars are not likely to want to take.

[cwendy41.livejournal.com]

Must be a big city thing. I used to get it quite frequently in Pasadena when I walked around. That's also where I used to get random guys talking to me. It took me a while to figure it out, but "Are you in school?" and "What are you studying" are just questions that lead up to "Do you have a boyfriend?" which then leads to "Can I ask you out?". After a while, I learned to say yes to the boyfriend question.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

I very quickly learned to indicate that I had a boyfriend even if it was completely untrue, for that very reason.