(no subject)

[coraa]

I suspect that most arguments about whether it's better to be honest-and-blunt with friends/loved ones or delicate-and-hint-y -- especially online -- end with the honest-and-blunt side saying "look, not telling people the truth is passive-aggressive and manipulative and I hate it," and the delicate-and-hint-y lapsing into (often snarky) silence.

I find this hilariously ironic, in an inevitable kind of way.

(To clarify: This observation is after seeing several large Internet discussions of the dichotomy -- to those of you with whom I have personal conversations on the topic, please know that I have been pleased by how non-judgemental and even-handed -- and funny and enlightening -- those conversations have been, and I'm not talking about you. Okay, disclaimer over.)

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Ha!

[madduckdes.livejournal.com]

[I was so tempted to respond with "I'm pretty!" Then I figured you might actually take me seriously and not know what to say. Damn online humor.]

I'm intrigued by the idea of hint training. Blunt people being blunt, they're always happy to tell hint people to learn to speak up. Hint people being hinty, for all I know there have been tons of people trying to tell me to notice the small things. Last night Dirk actually poked me and said, "They want blankets; they're just being polite." This was shocking to me, but quite useful.

I know that it's hard for hint people to make demands for themselves. But it would be really groovy if people would poke me more often when they see me missing other people's hints.

[coraa.livejournal.com]

[For the record, I would have found that hilarious, as it fits right in with my sense of humor.]

It is one of the frustrations of being a Hint person -- blunt people are often quite happy to tell you what you're doing wrong, and why, and how to change it. :D And if one is too Hinty, one has a hard time saying, "Look, I'm not going to change my fundamental way of interacting with people to make you happy, so you're just going to have to deal." But being bitter and sensitive about it is totally incomprehensible to the blunt person, and so is also ineffective.

I think it'd be easier to point out hints from other people than hints from myself (although I do sometimes manage to do the latter with Pava -- when I realize what I'm doing I say, "Hey, when I say 'ennhhhhhh,' that means I actually don't want to go, I just don't want to say 'no' and disappoint you.") So I think I could do that!

(re: the blankets -- that's an interesting one. If I thought about it consciously, I'd think 'this is Mark and Des, if I ask for a blanket there's no way they're going to be upset.' The problem is that I don't think about it. My default setting is 'don't ask unless you really need it, but you can accept if offered' so the question of 'should I ask for a blanket?' never entered my head. which complicates 'you should speak up!' advice.)

[coraa.livejournal.com]

Something else I ran across recently that might help, too -- Hint-ers tend to negotiate first and then ask ("Are you busy? The trash is really full and I need to make dinner. When will you be done with the game?" and then finally, if the other person has not already volunteered, "Okay, when you reach the save point will you please take the trash out?") while Ask-ers tend to ask first and then negotiate ("Can you take the trash out now? Oh, you're playing the game? Hm. Can you take it out when you reach the save point?") So Ask-ers wonder what the fuck the Hint-er is wittering on about, and doesn't realize that they're being asked/working up to being asked, and the Hint-ers hear the request first and figure that that means that the negotiation stage has been skipped, at which point it's a demand, and one without room for modification.

I'm not sure if that's useful, but it does explain to me why I get so irritated when I get an out-of-the-blue request.

[madduckdes.livejournal.com]

that was very useful. thanks!